"This isn't working. They're driving me insane."

Jack looks over the mound of folders Walter oh so thoughtfully stacked for him, and stares at the flustered Daniel standing in front of what had been a closed door. "That door was locked," Jack says, pointing at it with his pen.

Daniel shrugs off the comment. "You gave me a key after you moved in here because you thought you might lose yours, remember?"

"That door was locked."

"Yes, I know, and I have a key."

"Locked, Daniel!"

"Key, Jack!"

"O'Neill." Teal'c appears behind Daniel and his demeanor is grave. Well, graver than usual. "The Tok'ra are requesting your presence."

Dropping his pen with a dramatic moan, Jack squeezes his eyes shut and waits five seconds before cracking an eye open to see six Tok'ra staring at him through the briefing room window. He gives them a meek smile and waggles the fingers of his right hand.

To Teal'c he says, "Daniel's in charge. He gets to deal with them."

"No." As if to emphasize his point, Daniel falls into the nearest chair and crosses his arms over his chest. "I'm done."

Jack narrows his eyes into a glare. "You don't get to be done until I say you're done."

"You don't have that kind of authority," Daniel snaps, but Jack relishes the flicker of uncertainty that passes over his face.

"Oh, I think I do."

"Jack, they have me jumping through hoops."

"They're ... Tok'ra," Jack says with a wide sweep of his arms. "So this surprises you how?"

"All we're trying to do is give Jacob a pro--"

"And Selmak," Teal'c interjects.

Daniel nods and makes a face. "Yes, and Selmak," he concedes with the slightest tinge of resentment. It takes everything within Jack to refrain from snickering. "All we're trying to do is give Jacob and Selmak a proper memorial, but the Tok'ra are being a huge pain in my ass. It'd be one thing if we didn't ask for their input. I'd understand their behavior if that were the case. But we asked for their input. I've given in to their demands. And yet they're still ..."

"Being very Tok'ra?" Jack offers. "Again, I have to ask, this surprises you how?"

The furrowed-brow, clenched-jaw glower Daniel shoots his direction worries Jack enough that he preemptively wraps his arms around the file piles. He might hate all this paperwork, but he just finished reorganizing the stacks into chronological order and isn't about to let an upset archaeologist undo his last hour of work.

"Perhaps it would be best for you to speak to the Tok'ra, O'Neill," Teal'c says as he rests a restraining hand on Daniel's left shoulder. "You are the commander of the SGC."

"Yes, but Daniel volunteered to coordinate Jacob's memorial service."

"That was before I knew they'd try to drive me slowly mad," Daniel mutters.

"Well, buddy, I'm afraid I'm going to have to--"

"I'm not going back in there, Jack."

"And I ..." Darting his eyes from Daniel slouched stubbornly in his chair to the six Tok'ra gazing at him from the briefing room, Jack realizes he's in a classic stand-off. Should he risk antagonizing one of his closest friends, thereby assuring himself at least a month of bitchy Daniel? Or should he acquiesce to Daniel and meet with the Tok'ra himself, thereby assuring the possible strangulation of at least one Tok'ra representative?

Jack knows the scuttlebutt amongst SGC members is that he's a master strategist. He, personally, believes half of that is misplaced hero worship while the other half is unnecessary ass kissing, so he decides there's really only one thing he can do.

Grabbing the top quarter of folders from the left-most stack, Jack jumps to his feet and declares, "I'm late for a meeting."

Daniel looks at him like he's grown a second head. "No, you're not."

"Yes, I am. It's a very important meeting with ... Siler." Jack smiles and mentally pats himself on the back for his fast thinking. "And I'm already running late, so I just don't have time to deal with this right now, Daniel. Sorry. But I'm sure you and Teal'c can sort through whatever issues the Tok'ra have and come up with some wonderful compromises. Thanks, guys!"

And with one last over-the-shoulder wave to the Tok'ra, who now look stunned that he's heading away from them, Jack pushes past Teal'c and moves as quickly as he can down the corridor without breaking into a full-on run.

*

It takes Jack a frustratingly short amount of time to determine that, despite its 28 levels, there's no where good to hide in the SGC. His first stop is the commissary, but the large room is packed with several SG teams who have recently returned from offworld and are looking to unwind and eat a snack before heading home.

His second stop is Siler's, but that's more out of a sense of guilt to Daniel and Teal'c than practicality, so he only stays in the work area long enough to say hi to the sergeant and punch a couple of buttons on the MALP under maintenance.

His third stop is the VIP quarters, which he has to sprint away from when he remembers, almost too late, that the Tok'ra who have arrived early for Jacob's memorial service are being stashed there.

His fourth stop is Carter's lab. Truth be told, he only enters the lab because a peek inside reveals that a very organized tornado may have swept through the mountain without his knowledge. There are piles everywhere: leaning towers of books are stationed next to the workbench; an assortment of metal ... doodads are piled in front of a rear supply closet; an interesting array of multicolored wires are tangled together a foot from an overflowing trashcan. Jack lifts his eyebrows and is about to call out Carter's name when she pops up from behind the workbench, a pair of safety glasses propped on top of her head.

"Jesus," he mutters, clutching his folders to his chest and assuring himself that he did not just yelp. "Carter, what the--"

"Sir! I--" Flustered, Carter yanks the glasses off and tosses them onto a nearby mound of -- huh -- more safety glasses. "I was just ..."

"Doing a little spring cleaning?"

She blushes and looks mildly chagrined. "Seemed like a good idea to keep my hands busy," she eventually says, her cheeks coloring to another amusing shade of red.

"Ah." He nods and offers a small smile of understanding. He certainly can't fault her for that. Not today, anyway. "So ..."

"Yes, sir?"

"Well ..."

"Was there something you needed?"

"Oh, well, it's ..." Jack immediately senses he's in another classic stand-off. He could tell Carter the truth and endure some teasing and a smart-ass smirk -- which is already pushing up the corners of her mouth, dammit -- or he could outright lie and hope she doesn't learn the truth on her own, which would only lead to more teasing and smart-ass smirking. Ultimately he decides on the truth because Daniel has a big mouth.

"I'm avoiding Daniel," he announces in what he hopes passes for a dignified, authoritative tone. He learns of his failure when the smirk overtakes her face.

"Avoiding Daniel, sir?" she asks, clearly attempting (and failing) not to laugh.

"It happens."

"But ... why?"

Again Jack decides the truth would be easiest. "He has a key to my office and won't leave me alone."

"He has a key? Did he steal it?"

Before he has a chance to address her questions, Carter's mind apparently kicks into high gear.

"What is he bothering you about? Does it have to do with the memorial? Maybe I should help him. I could help him, sir. I could--"

"No." Jack fixes her with a firm stare and straightens his back to maximize his general-ness. "Daniel volunteered to handle all issues surrounding the memorial, so now it's his responsibility to see it through. Anyway, you already have enough things to do." After a quick glance around her messy lab, he leans forward and asks, sotto voce, "You do have enough on your plate, right, Carter? 'Cause if you don't, I have a desk covered with paperwork you could--"

"Let me help Daniel and I'll steal your key back from him."

Cocking his head to one side, Jack sits back on his heels and studies Carter's determined expression. The day is certainly turning into one high in strategy. He could let Daniel suffer and continue to be amused by his suffering, or he could let Carter help him and get his key (and peace) back in the process.

He decides to heed John Lennon's advice.

"Fine," Jack relents, feeling good about his decision when Carter's face brightens. "You can help Daniel. Just make sure you get my key back, okay?"

"I won't let you down, sir," she says.

He knows she won't.

*

His third mistake was believing Carter wouldn't let him down.

No, wait. That was his fourth mistake. His third mistake was letting her help Daniel with the memorial when he already knew she was wound tight.

"Jack? Are you listening to me?"

Snapping to attention, Jack gives Hammond a sharp nod. "Yes, sir. Am definitely listening, sir."

And his negative first mistake was inviting Hammond to Jacob's memorial.

"I know you're aware our relations with the Tok'ra have been ... strained, to put it mildly. And with Jacob's passing, we have an uphill battle to maintain what little alliance we have left with them. So how we could possibly condone Colonel Carter's behavior is--"

"She was provoked, sir," Jack declares, looking Hammond in the eyes. "I know she was. You know it too."

Hammond holds his stare and frowns. And with each millimeter his lips turn down, Jack worries he might not be able to get Carter out of this mess. But then Hammond sighs and breaks eye contact. "You're right. She probably was. But the fact remains that Jacob's scheduled to be memorialized in two hours and I want that room to be filled with SGC members and Tok'ra representatives. Make that happen."

"Yes, sir."

Jack's almost cleared out of the office -- his office; how does Hammond always manage to co-opt his office like that? -- when Hammond stops him dead in his tracks. "And don't forget your dress blues, Jack. It's a full honors memorial."

Jack grimaces and is thankful his back's to Hammond. "Yes, sir," he repeats, although with much less enthusiasm this time around.

As he hurries to Carter's lab, he begins to wonder if he should've just said no to the suggestion of a memorial for Jacob. It's turning into a runaway mess of mistakes.

*

"Dance like a butterfly, sting like a bee, Carter?"

She jumps to her feet the second he enters her lab, and Jack notices that Daniel and Teal'c are quick to surround her. He can't help but feel a tinge of pride at their camaraderie. He helped build it after all.

"Sir, I am so sorry," Carter says, her expression one of remorse. "I'll do whatever is needed to patch things up."

"But it's really not her fault," Daniel interjects. "If you'd listened to me when I tried to explain earlier how difficult the Tok'ra were being, then--"

"Ah!" Jack shushes him with a raised hand. "You don't get to talk."

Everyone appears rather taken aback by the announcement.

"I'm sorry. What?" Daniel asks.

"You don't get to talk because I hold you partly responsible for what happened."

"Jack, that is the most insane--"

"Ah!"

"You can't--"

"Ah!"

"There's no way I'm--"

"Ah, ah, ah!"

Scrunching his face into what Jack likes to call 'Daniel's face of extreme pissiness', Daniel falls back into his chair and glowers. Jack smiles brightly.

With a raised eyebrow, Teal'c makes a feeble attempt at brokering peace. "O'Neill, I do not believe Daniel Jackson is at fault for this unfortunate incident."

"That's okay, T. You don't have to."

Teal'c's eyebrow dips and Jack's smile widens as he turns his attention to Carter. "Okay, tell me, slowly, what happened."

Still looking as contrite as ever, she jams her hands into her pants pockets before dropping her head. "After we spoke, I went to see Daniel."

"Uh-huh. And?"

"He told me he'd ironed everything out with the Tok'ra except for one thing: they don't want us to mention my father's name during the memorial."

"Okay, and-- Wait." Jack purses his lips together and replays Carter's last sentence in his head. Of all the condescending, assholey stunts for the Tok'ra to pull ... "They don't want us to say Jacob's name? At his own memorial?"

He sees Daniel open his mouth, so Jack silences him by whipping his right index finger through the air. Those were rhetorical questions, and he still has a few more he wants to ask.

"Did the Tok'ra happen to miss how, oh, Selmak was going to die until Jacob came along and agreed to be his host? I know it's a pesky, little detail, but it's a pretty important one, wouldn't you say?"

Jack waits several seconds for someone to respond with an adequately annoyed "Yes, those Tok'ra are so stupid!" But Sam continues to stare at her feet, Teal'c's unwavering gaze never turns in his direction, and Daniel insists on regarding him with a tight-lipped glower. Finally he has to suck it up and motion for Daniel to speak.

"Really? I have your permission now, Jack?" Luckily a narrow-eyed glare is all that's needed to get Daniel moving. "The Tok'ra concede how 'helpful' Jacob was with Selmak's condition-- I know, I know," he says when Jack begins to protest. "It's a terrible adjective that doesn't come anywhere close to describing their true relationship, but that's the least of our worries right now, right? Anyway, they believe Selmak was more instrumental in keeping Jacob alive than vice versa."

"But-- But--" Jack sputters, his own hands curling up into fists. Oh, if only a Tok'ra representative could just happen to wander into Carter's lab at that very moment. "Theirs was a mutualistic relationship, for pete's sake!"

Normally Jack would take a second or two to allow his former teammates to soak in and appreciate his proper use of the scientific term, but he's in no mood for such frivolity. And, apparently, neither is Daniel, for he lets Jack's statement pass without a sarcastic comment or roll of the eyes.

"We pointed that out to them," he says, "but they didn't really care. So we said some things, and they said things, and ..."

"I punched Delek," Sam finishes in a mumble.

"You punched Delek?" Jack's eyebrows shoot upwards and he wonders whether it was intentional everyone had neglected to pass that particular bit of information on to him. "Why didn't you mention that earlier? That guy's always been a prick when it came to their alliance with us, so it's not sur--"

"Uh, Jack?" Daniel cuts in with a sidelong glance in Carter's direction.

"Oh. Right." Definitely intentional then. No doubt about it. "Carter punched Delek, and that was very, very wrong," Jack recaps. "But you should tell me all the specifics later," he adds in a stage whisper.

His attempt at lightening the mood fails, though. Carter's expression remains locked on one of rueful embarrassment, and he feels an immediate pang of guilt for not taking this more seriously. On the one hand, he does want to fix this -- what with Hammond breathing down his neck and all. But on the other hand, it's Delek.

Thankfully for all involved, Carter isn't as conflicted about making amends.

"It was wrong, sir," she insists. "It was irresponsible, and indefensible, and I knew better. I know better. But the things Delek was saying about my father. He made it sound like everything my father had done, like give up his freedom, to join the Tok'ra was inconsequential."

Jack watches as Carter practically vibrates from a month's worth of pent-up sorrow and anger. He always knew her assurances that she was fine after Jacob's death weren't the entire truth, but he only grasps now just how much she'd been covering up her true emotions. He's impressed and amazed she didn't lash out at someone earlier.

"Anyway, sir," Carter continues, inhaling a deep breath to calm herself, "I admit I shouldn't have punched Delek. But the minute it happened, I apologized to him. Profusely."

"So did I," Daniel pipes up, once again taking a supportive position right beside her. "Figured it couldn't hurt."

"I ... did not."

And with that simple three-word sentence, Teal'c manages to do what Jack could not: make Carter crack a smile. As a matter of fact, both he and Daniel are smiling now. Hell would most definitely have to freeze over before a Jaffa would apologize unnecessarily to a Tok'ra.

Hey, wait a minute. Jack senses the beginnings of a brilliant idea percolating in the back of his mind.

"I don't think anything's going to make Delek have a change of heart," Carter says, her hint of a smile waning. "But my father deserves to have a full honors memorial, and I don't want to be the one who prevents him from getting one. So perhaps it'd be best for me to go to Delek and say I'll stay away from the memorial service. Maybe then he'll end the Tok'ra boycott."

"No," Jack's quick to say. "You're going to your father's memorial."

"Sir, I appreciate the support, but--"

"No," Jack repeats as he's unable to stop his innocent smile from morphing into a full-on shit-eating grin. His formerly nebulous idea has now become an entire course of action he can't wait to put into play. Jack, master strategist extraordinaire, strikes again! But he keeps that part to himself. Instead he says, "Jacob's memorial is going to take place in the SGC today, as originally planned. And we're all going to be there like the big, happy Tau'ri-Tok'ra family that we are."

"But, sir, how--"

"I think Teal'c has the right idea. Apologizing's wholly overrated."

Predictably, everyone besides Jack is dubious.

"Jack, this isn't the best time for a pissing contest with the Tok'ra."

"Gee, ya think, Daniel?" Jack scoffs. To a visibly concerned Carter, he promises, "This'll work. Just follow my lead."

"Jack--"

"Sir--"

"O'Neill--"

"Ah!" Jack silences their synchronized misgivings by waving his hands in front of his face. "Follow. My. Lead," he says again, this time punctuating each word with a pointed look at each of his former team members. When did they become such killjoys?

It doesn't take them very long to travel up to Level 25, and as they turn down the corridor in which the VIP quarters are located, Jack provides them with last minute instructions.

"You," he points at Daniel, "stay here. You," his finger swings in Teal'c's direction, "stay near the door. And you," he turns to face Carter, "don't say a word. That includes any more apologizing."

Carter's only response is a dull nod, which Jack appreciates but also finds rather unnerving. While he certainly didn't want her to argue with his edict, he wouldn't have minded a bit more spirit. This is, after all, Carter he's talking to. Have all the events of the past month finally broken her down? He hopes not, but he doesn't have time to fret more about it because he's knocking on the door, the door's being opened, and he and Carter are ushered inside to come face-to-face with a very haughty Delek.

The urge to play a round of Whack-a-Tok'ra is swift and very tempting, but Jack keeps himself in check by grinning like a five-year-old on Christmas morning.

"Delek!" he says full of false cheer, his arms held open in a hug he hopes to god the Tok'ra won't actually walk into. "Where've you been, ol' buddy? You don't come around like you used to."

Delek blinks and says, stiffly, "General O'Neill."

"Oh look at you, pretending not to be thrilled to see me." This produces a series of uneasy glances between the Tok'ra standing behind Delek, which pleases Jack. They're so easy to mess with it's almost child's play. But he has more serious matters to deal with first. "Let's cut to the chase, shall we? I hear you and Colonel Carter here had a, uh, run-in with each other earlier."

"If by 'run-in' you're referring to how her fist connected with my face, then yes, you are correct, General."

Jack doesn't have to look at Carter to know every muscle in her body is clenching in embarrassment. Damn this Tok'ra for knowing exactly which buttons to push. "Yes, well," he begins, his tone now matching Delek's icy one, "that was ... unfortunate. But I'm sure you can appreciate how difficult this has been for Colonel Carter. Jacob was her father, in case you've forgotten."

"Are you saying that should excuse her actions? It is a wonder our alliance has lasted as long as it has if this is the attitude among the Tau'ri."

Grinding his teeth together, Jack manages to grit out a surprisingly hospitable "I apologize on behalf of Colonel Carter." When Delek lifts his eyebrows as if to say "So?", Jack presses on. "I know Colonel Carter's also issued many apologies for her behavior. Don't you think it's time to move past this so we can pay proper respects to Jacob and Selmak?"

"I do not, General. I have been disrespected and cannot abide any notions to conduct a joint memorial. We shall return promptly to our base with Selmak."

"Yeah, I don't think so," Jack snaps, dropping all attempts to be civil.

"Sir," Carter tries to interrupt, no doubt sensing his change in attitude, but he cuts her off by shaking his head and taking a step forward.

"Delek, what do you say we go for a little walk?" He slips a hand under Delek's elbow and guides him to a less occupied area of the room before the Tok'ra has a chance to respond. When out of earshot of anyone else, Jack releases his hold and says, "Okay, look, this is what's going to happen. You're not going anywhere and you're not taking anyone with you."

"Is that a threat, General?" Delek sneers.

"No. But I'm also not done," Jack calmly, yet firmly, says. "Besides remaining here, you will accept Colonel Carter's apology. Then you and your Tok'ra friends will join us in a memorial honoring Selmak and Jacob, during which both names will be mentioned. Wanna know why you're going to do this?"

"Please," Delek replies as a smirk pushes up the corners of his mouth.

"See Teal'c over there?" Jack tips his head in the direction of the door and has to refrain from chortling when Teal'c -- bless him -- chooses that exact moment to cross his arms over his chest, every single one of his biceps and triceps bulging in the process. "He had a lot of respect for Jacob and Selmak, and so did a lot of other Jaffa, many of whom will be arriving soon for the memorial. We'd planned on having them wait in some of our isolation rooms, but those are just so ... sterile. I'm beginning to think these VIP quarters would be much more comfortable for them. You boys wouldn't mind sharing, would you? It's not like they're still upset about how you guys were the ones who created the symbiote poison that wiped out most of the rebel Jaffa a few months ago. Well, not really upset, anyway."

Jack pauses long enough to allow Delek to see and hear Teal'c crack his neck. Twice.

"Need I remind you that it was people in your government who released that poison?" Delek counters, but his words lack strength and his smirk has disappeared.

"True," Jack admits, "but the Jaffa like us. And we like them. So if you all just happened to get, oh, accidentally locked in here and the Jaffa decide to seek a little revenge for their dead friends, we'd probably look the other way. But I'm sure you'd be able to take care of yourselves without any help from us. That is, after all, why you don't want to mention Jacob's name during the memorial, right? Because we little humans are just so unhelpful?"

There's no missing how Delek's face blanches.

"But that's all hypothetical, of course," Jack chirps, slapping a 'friendly' pat on Delek's back that's harder than it needed to be.

Delek stares at him at for several seconds, during which Jack never breaks eye contact or stops smiling.

After a sigh oozing of annoyance, Delek begrudgingly announces to the room-at-large, "I accept your apology, Colonel Carter."

"You-- Really?" She looks to Jack for confirmation, and he's thrilled he's able to give it.

"It would also please us to have Selmak and your father honored at this memorial you have prepared."

Carter appears positively stunned. "Uh ... thank you."

"Great!" Jack claps his hands together and begins to usher Carter towards the door before either of them does something to unravel his machinations. "We'll leave you all alone to ... do whatever it is you do when you're in your packs. See you at the memorial."

The minute he and Carter step into the corridor, Daniel and Teal'c are on them like bees to honey.

"What happened?" Daniel asks, a pained expression pinching the features of his face.

"He did it," Carter says in awe. Jack isn't quite sure whether he should be pleased or exasperated by the wonder in her voice.

"Did what?" Daniel asks suspiciously.

Okay, exasperated. He decides he should definitely be exasperated.

Jack glares at Daniel but isn't able to do more than that before Carter says, "General O'Neill got Delek to accept my apology and agree to all our terms for the memorial. It was ... pretty impressive."

Jack beams and puffs out his chest. That's right, it's General Jack O'Neill to the res--

"You threatened him, didn't you?"

"It's called negotiating, Daniel," Jack says, offended.

"I've seen your 'negotiating' before, and it usually involves threatening someone."

"I believe O'Neill may have used me to do the threatening, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c corrects, completely nonplussed.

"You didn't," Daniel admonishes, but Jack merely shrugs before walking away.

The score is Jack: 1, Tok'ra: 0, and that's all that matters to him.

*

An hour and a half, thirteen reviewed files (is it absolutely necessary that everything be submitted in triplicate?), and a change of clothes later, Jack's fiddling with his tie as he waits for the elevator to take him to the gate room. He hates memorial services, but at least he doesn't have to worry about giving an address this time. Maybe inviting Hammond wasn't such a mistake after all.

"Sir! There you are. I've been looking for you."

He turns and sees Carter practically running down the corridor towards him. Still tightly wound, but at least she's smiling now.

"Did you punch another Tok'ra, Carter? You should leave some for the rest of us, you know."

She laughs and shakes her head. "No, I ... I wanted to thank you for everything you did with Delek."

"Oh, it was nothing," he tries to dismiss.

"No, it was significant and I'm grateful. I haven't been myself for a while," she admits, her eyes cutting downwards, "but you've understood and came to my defense today why you didn't have to. So, thank you. And as a token of my appreciation ..." With dramatic flare, she reaches into her jacket pocket and waits several seconds before holding up a small gold key.

Jack's eyes go large. "Is that ... ?"

"A promise is a promise, sir."

"How did you ... ?" Jack snatches the key from Carter and clutches it in his right hand. Peace. Sweet, delicious peace. He can practically taste it.

"It was pretty easy, actually. Just took a little sweet-talking, which I learned by watching the expert," she says with a wink. "And Daniel was fairly understanding. He didn't want to give me the key at first, so I had to be more persuasive and--"

"Giving Sam more orders to beat me up, Jack?"

At the sound of Daniel's irritated voice, Jack looks over his shoulder to see Daniel and Teal'c heading towards them. Teal'c has opted to wear one of his ceremonial Jaffa robes for Jacob's memorial, while Daniel is in a navy blue suit. But Jack almost fails to notice any of that because his gaze almost immediately zeroes in on how Daniel has an ice pack pressed to his left eye and is glaring as hard as he can with his unobstructed right eye.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist -- or astrophysicist, as the case may be -- to tell him what happened.

"Carter!" Jack gasps, swiveling back to face her.

"It was an accident!" she cries. "I had no idea he was going to turn like that! I thought he was going to duck, but then he didn't, and ... Daniel, really, it was an accident. I swear!"

As the elevator doors finally slide open, Daniel gives him and Carter the evil eye. "I hate you both," he mutters before pushing past them to enter the elevator.

Not even Teal'c can resist laughing at that.

Filing in behind Carter and Teal'c, Jack takes a moment to scan the faces that look back at him. There's Teal'c's restrained yet genuinely amused smile, Carter's somewhat less restrained yet also genuinely amused smile, and, lastly, Daniel's very unrestrained, very un-amused scowl.

As he turns around, Jack slips that troublemaker of a key into his right pants pocket and grins. Mistakes? Made by him? Unheard of.

-the end-

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